Feeling of Broken heart

I have finished my scheduled KT which finished at 9:30 IST. Now have nothing to do much but have to stay in office. Praveen (who is working with me now) playing a song which I also enjoying. Song is "Yeh dil sambhalne ko, tere bin razi nahi". Song was touching my heart and I was listening with full concentration. There was line in this song:

Aisi Waisi Baaton Se Rutha Nahi Karate, Dil Jab Judate Hain,Tuta Nahi Karate , Chhodake Yeh Daaman Raahon Mein Chalane Ko Yeh Dil Sambhalne Ko,Tere Bina Raazi Nahi.

These above line became a catch line for me and I lost in another word with few simple Questions. "Is it the case that Dil jab judate hai tuta nahi karte??" I have seen alot where "Dil jab toote to jude nahi karte" revrse of this song. World of Heart broken people!!!

I started analyzing the feelings.

How will you feel if you have lost your love..?

Love which was everything for you , is no more with you..The love which make you happy every moment, surprise you every minute, nakhre of your darling...

Face which act as freshner or Oxygen for you is now become like CO2.

These all things...uff I can't imagine what will be life after losing the one, who was your eye bird.

From where you will get solace for your broken heart?

Who is going to support you your mind? your Heart..? Your Friend...?

I started thinking about one such story of our school days:

There was a guy in my school who was in love with girl. Girl was so beautiful that anybody can be her Deewana. But that time we were kid and not much interested in this kind of stuff. But that guy was very much attracted towards this girl. Both are from same cast (I’m mentioning this as in our place this matters alot). That Guy used to do everything for that girl.

In Class VI and VIII, a Scholar ship exam used to be held up in our place and we used to participate to save money of our Parents ( Achhe Bachhe). Once result of Scholar ship exam was announced we got surprised, Guy was failed in exam. Even teacher was not ready to accept this fact. It was a big shock for us as our school group rules the classes and some body from our group failed it was surprising for us.

We decided that we are not going to stop till knowing the secret behind this. And then that Guy told us that he didn't attend this exam as 'he has exchanged copy with that girl'. We run to dash board and check result and found that yes! she was passed!

I still remember the line from my frnd: "Chhodo yaaro usi ki khushi me to apni khushi hai..she want to crack exam and I did it for her...".

Believe me we didn't understand these stuff as we are only concentrate our mind on Cricket, gossip, physics and maths and if we talk about girls then something else not this love type of thing :P.

In 9th class we came to know that guy used to listen only "Mukesh ke dard bhare nagme"( Do you remember scene from Pyar ke Side-effect: Break ho to dher sare Sad song sunne padte hai..rona hota hai..etc). I asked other friends what happen to him. He was not like that. They told me that he has recent break up.

After that I started watching him carefully. He behaves like abnormal people. He used to ask me do you have any collection of Mukesh as I used to hear old songs. One of the brilliant students was no more interested in study. He used to start crying when he didn't able to understand anything (whatever it is Physics, math). He used to say, " how I can show you( to us) what happening inside me?" To read anything or understand anything you need concentration and if I'm trying to concentrate only I can see her face.

His father was also watching him from few months and understands that there is something wrong with this guy. His father started shouting on him, please stop listen these kind of song. All sad song collection was burned by his dad. He (My friend) started crying and told, "Dad I also want to join you drinks party" (His father was one of famous person in that area for drinking alcohol). It’s impossible for anybody to listen something like this from Son. He started saying what happen to you? Why not I died before listening this? My friend corrected his father statement and told, "Dad you don't have to die, I'm planning to do so very soon" and he went his room straight without talking to anybody else of his home.His father was shocked and he called his friends (I was time at my home that time so I don't know what happen but listen from other friend). They (Other friends of mine) told him that my friend was in love with a girl and now she (that girl) is not talking to him. His father understood all things and he told, "it doesn't matter my son it happened in this world, its time to read and develop your carrier. Act like a Veer (Brave) not like a kid ".

I don't know much detail what happen after that but that Guy has ruined his carrier. He got a new friend who was one of FALTU person and got evolved in other kind of activity (leave this point here). Our entire friend is almost settled in life except him.

This was first break up I have seen in my small life. And I realized how much Pain that guy had (when I started understanding these things)?

You know, if you are in true love, Love will be forever. I’m not talking about crushes, flirtations or infatuations. Even though other person stopped loving you it will be in your mind, soul for ever. This is what written by Vidyâpati that, "in spite of getting Sri Krishna’s darshan, Radha( I'm not sure it's Radha or not but mapping on her) is not satisfied. Her thirst keeps on increasing ":

"janam abadhi ham, roop nehârinu nayana nâ tirapita bhelo”.
Meaning - “I have been seeing Him since birth, yet my eyes remain thirsty for more.”

I read below line somewhere:

Love happens only once & rest is just life

It seems true to me, as life will goes on and may be you come in contact of other love or life partner but this time it will not be like first one. Falling in love for the second time may be because you are trying to forget your hurting past unwillingly. After all we all need someone to be their for us.

I heard a lot from the people that time is best healer and that heals everything. Please suggest me one thing: is that the case that time heals everything or we get used to living without the person as we don’t have other option or you can say start living without heart? A broken heart never really heals.

It may seem funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces of your broken heart. But boss I can say a single line:

Jo tan lage so tan jane kaisi hai is prit ki maya .

If you are a person with big heart then take it a new lesson and start dreaming once again with new hope new ray. There is one relation in this world which help you a lot is your friends. Rest of things you have to do at your own. It's nothing but a fight between mind and heart. Then one who will own will rule your life. I think that Heart ( DIL) is the main thing which creates problem; it wouldn't allow your mind to forget this pain. Mind heals faster with time (Mind thing depend upon how good memory a person has). Don't let you mind to think a lot . Force mind to engage in other work and don't let heart to govern you body( I means to take control of your body).

But at last all the best, God never show such kind of day to anybody. It may seems Bakwas to you then sorry to you take it just as story.

Geeta Upadesh: Truth of life

There was Vote on 13th May 2009 in Kolkata; as a result we got one day vacation to Vote. We got a mail from My Manager that Security will not allow us to enter in Office as there is vote during Vote hrs ( 7 am to 5 p.m.). As I used to work in night shift and my working hrs starts after voting hrs , there was chance for me to come to office.

I wake up late that day I went early in night around 1 a.m. (14th May) to Praveen's room and then saw that one guy name Shashank is still awake and we started gossiping.

After discussing lots of thing we stuck a normal story of break up and twist in love. Like X has recent break up, He/She is not able to control her/self etc.Then suddenly Geeta few lines struck in our mind and He started saying:

Tum kya laye the jo kho diya .

Jo mila yahi se mila, jo khoyega yahi pe khoyega..etc..

The line which makes us laugh was as below:

Jo tumhara hai, wo kal kissi aur ka tha, parsho kisis aur ka hoga..

You can easily understand what the meaning of above line is ( We stuck on these line as Girl was marrying to another guy in our gossip). And we had lots of fun on this line. After that Shashank went to sleep.
And the above line which we enjoyed like Jokes started forcing my mind to think like anything. My mind was asking me like a kid, dad answer following:

Why not we are ready to accept this fact?

My mind hanged-up for a while like Intel P2 processor with 128 RAM which trying to run a heavy application, and like a blue color OS dump, answer was 'Boss go for sleep, you are human being and it isn’t easy to follow these things. It’s good to read, but it’s not possible to follow'.

I have a problem, I can't forget anything so easily, and it was good when I was kid or student but now-a-days it’s very painful. I came next morning to office and trying to understand what this Geeta Upadesh trying to point in our life with help of our all time best friend Google.

After visiting lots of pages, I realized if it’s so much easy to follow then why not Radha has followed those things, who was mad in love of Lord Krishna? If its that much easy then how a great person like Dronacharaya loose his concentration and lost his life after hearing a single line "Ashwathama mara gaya(haathi)" from Yudhisthir( Ashwathama was Son of Dronacharya).

I didn't understand other thing it was only Arjun who undrstand these things? And does he not loose his mind after Abhimanyu death in War? Or there may be other way around that After Abhyimanyu death, Arjun becomes like person who wants to take revenge of his Son's murdered. There is 1000s example. We live in this word only because we have emotion/relation. Who live for themselves? If we don't have emotion/relation then I think there is no meaning of life. And if you are a person who has emotion then forget about Geeta and start your noraml work [:P]. Geeta upadesh may help you like listening a sad song when you had recent break up, I mean to say a kind of Santwana.

I messed up in these question and end up with a simple thing it’s a holy book who tries to show you the fact of life or Secret of life or secret after life. And for me it’s impossible to think the way it’s written, but I do unsuccessful try and will do. What about you?

Circuit breaker system of Share Market

Today I wake-up around 10:30 am morning and open TV, 1st news which attracts me was 'Circuit Break: Sensex hits upper circuit for the first time in the history of the bourse' (based on my memory). Honestly speaking, I didn't understand these lines. In simple word I understand that there is some interesting hike in share market.
I hope you all agree that if you have seen some thing in morning that remains in your mind for whole day (Especially songs, it happens with me). This word (Circuit Break) was knocking in my mind after every few hours whole day. And Questions are very simple.
What is Circuit Break? How its work on Share Market? What will be outcome of this? What is reason of this? Etc...
I solve my last question (What is reason of this) in morning itself as News Channels were showing in morning that Market is happy with formation of a stable government at the Centre. In some Interview I heard that there will be no LEFT party in Govt this time for leg pulling and some other stuff. Like Manmohan Singh is big shot in terms of his knowledge about Economy.
There are several lines like in Hindu(News Site) it was written: Brokers said investors were strongly optimistic about consistent and substantial increase in capital inflows in the future as economic reforms are likely to get top priority after Manmohan Singh becomes Prime Minister for a second term.
Now 1st Question, What is this Circuit Break in Share Market:
Circuit breaker system, is an index-based system that would halt trading at three stages
— If the Sensex or NSE S&P CNX Nifty fluctuate
1) More than 10 per cent.
2) More than 15 per cent
3) More than 20 per cent
On any day during a quarter.
Circuit breakers will bring about a co-ordinated trading halt in all equity and equity derivative markets across the country. The decision follows a direction from the Securities and Exchange Board of India.
2nd Question How it works:
1) When market flacuate more than 10%: In case of 10 per cent movement of either of above indices before 1 p.m., there would be a one-hour market halt.
In case the movement takes place at or after 1 p.m. but before 2.30 p.m., there would be a trading halt for half an hour.
In case the movement takes place at or after 2.30 p.m., trading would not be stopped at the 10 per cent level.
2) When more than 15 %: If either index moves more than 15 per cent, there will be a two-hour market stop if it is before 1 p.m. And a one-hour halt if it is on or after 1 p.m. but before 2 p.m. Trading will be stopped for the rest of the day if the trigger is reached at or after 2 p.m.
3) When More than 20%: Trading would stop for the remainder of the day if either of the indices moves 20 per cent or more.
Note: Percentages are calculated on the closing index value of the quarter. These percentages are translated into absolute points of index variations (rounded off to the nearest 25 points in case of Sensex). At the end of each quarter, these absolute points of index variations are revised and made applicable to the next quarter.

On March 31, 2009, the last trading day of the quarter, Sensex closed at 9708.50 points. The absolute points of Sensex variation (over the previous day's closing Sensex) which would trigger market wide circuit breaker for any day in the quarter between 1st April 2009 and 30th June 2009 would be as under:
Percentage (+/-) Equivalent Points (+/-)10% 975
15% 1450
20% 1950
This is the first time that trading halted within seconds of the opening bells with the Sensex and Nifty soaring by 15 per cent and again by more than two per cent after the market re-opened at 1155 hours as market participants turned extremely bullish after the Congress emerged as the single largest party in the Lok Sabha elections.
NSE index Nifty surpassed the first 10 per cent upper limit in just 13 seconds and even crossed 15 per cent limit, resulting in suspension of trading for two hours.
Hope this help you to understand this Term, and you don't have to confuse whole day like me :(.

Who created us..??

I was thinking for a long time and try to understand how God distributed attributes to his one of wonderful creature "US". If we start thinking about, how God has distributed mind, beauty and all other attributes of Human being, its really surprised me.
I was also a student of Biology in class X, so I know a bit that all attributes come from Parent genes and attributes which are dominant in father or mother become attribute of the child. But I was again confused, who had developed these genes in mother of father. Of course our grand-parent….and then who had developed their genes…. and so no.
I end up with answer which of course will comes in your mind also, first person on earth. This answer itself became next question to me. Who was the first person on earth? In general knowledge book (which usually sold in local train of India) you will find an answer Adam and Hawwa.
I confused again then how they came to earth. According to Biology man evolved from earlier mammals over period of hundreds of thousands of years which means there was nothing called 1st person on earth. God knows how many men/women were evolved that time.
I started googling for these answer and I found that my knowledge was not so correct and these two names was suggested by holy book Bible (written by man itself). Holy book Quran also talks about the origin of man. But I didn't want to go in to these kinds of things and I lost my head.
Again I started thinking back that if we are evolved from mammals, why it’s not happening today? Please suggest me, why not all monkeys are turning as a Man.
May be some body come up with answer due to pollution :P, but I end up with one thing that there was/is a creator who created us.
Who is that creator? May be you can say or we used say him ’GOD’.
I have seen few people (May be going to see more) in my life who are blessed by GOD with special attributes, some of them are like GOD to me. I'm not talking about any blood relationship; else people will say that Parents are like GOD. I also think logically and emotionally they are like GOD.

There is a Hindi song:

"Yeh To Sach Hai Ki Bhagwan Hai,
Hai Magar Phir Bhi Anjaan Hai,
Dharti Pe Roop Maa Baap Ka,
Us Vidhaata Ki Pehchaan Hai..."

But I want to write in my next blog about few people, who came in my life and left/still with me with unforgettable touch.

DilSay

This is my first blog. Don't have much idea about writing skill. Just trying to write something. Please excuse me for grammatical and poor English [: P].
Once I joined my current company, I never thought that one day will be like this. I lost almost everything of my life except Professional gain. Have good reputation in office but very bad reputation in Personal life: P.
I was thinking about my daily life and surprised that what ever I'm doing is right or not. But I don't have other options so I have to do like this.
I used to work almost 20 hrs daily. Main reason that life seems so boring to me that I enjoy to work than doing anything else. This year brought up lots of new thing in my life. One disaster was in my personal life. that is also in 1st month of year ( Time when people are still busy with new year picnic and saying each other Happy New Year).what a wonderful start I have !!!!! But no worry we can't force somebody. I tried from my way to make our relationship stable but nothing turns in right way.
Second thing, I went Brazil to save my one of project which was in worst condition. There even I did not get time to free from JET LAG.I landed in night and till morning I was trying to catch up with friends and informing them that I landed safely. Suddenly I realized that it’s going to be morning in SaoPaulo also.Finally went for sleep for 2-3 hrs and then actual game start in Brazil for which I was assigned. I never get time to sleep more than 2-3 hrs in a whole month. I was busy in cleaning shit which my team/ my self/Business have delivered. You can imagine how much good time I have in Brazil Sao Paulo (Where People love to enjoy their life, but my luck rocks there also).
There I had really very tough time. I never saw that management is pushing so hard for delivery. They are using slang which I never heard here in India. There was an American guy also with me and he also used to say, "If you use this kind of language in US, you will be fired that day". But there was one good thing I was not able to understand whether they are abusing me or not, because I don't know Portuguese.
I have one good friend of mine in Sao Paulo office, who translates everything to me, but it’s obvious he will not translate the things which people used to tell about me. His name was Anderson Honda. Thanks a lot buddy; you made my life easier in Sao Paulo. But he was also passing through break-up phase and you can understand rest of thing. But he was not like me. He was still trying to get his love back. God bless you dear..
In feb I was flying back from Brazil as my visa was getting expired. At saudi airport I got mail please resolve this issue its urgent. Thank God as it was urgent issue and Battery of my laptop was charged. I opened my laptop and started working at airport. Finally in 1 hrs issue was resolved and then I got a mail "Man!! How are you able to work in flight, we hope you didn't landed in India this time". I thought how stupid is this question? You never asked this thing in mail conversations before resolution of issue. Finally I landed around 10.10 a.m. on 13th feb (with lots of hope for 14th Feb hahaha ) at Kolkata and then after putting my lagguage I was back in office till 11:30 am.
I found worst condition here in Kolkata office in terms of Work. We have to deliver almost 10 developments on Monday and none of them was ready. Every development has 1000s of issues. I check all these issue and realized that "Pavan there is more things in your plate. lets take challenge and show the GOD that we( Human beings) also can do something, if you (GOD) are putting me in such situation, I can't stop earth rotating and time but yes I can eliminate this day and night terms from your dictionary”.
With lots of pain in my heart ( I don't want to disclose here) I started working with small group of 5 member and we pushed our self so hard that there was no difference in day and night.
For us night was started only on Monday after delivery every thing. Around 4 pm on Sunday, I was talking to somebody and in between I slept. Few minutes after that I wake up and got frustrated, "How it’s possible, I went for sleep". My friend realized me that I'm also a human being and need to sleep.

You know, frustrated people always use to do at least something to disturb others. I did same thing and started arguing with developer. Like your estimates are wrong...Your way of working is wrong...etc.
You may be surprised how we have delivered those objects which have lots of issue. I don't want to disclose here as it’s our business and my mind strike right time and we played very safe and we make it.

My manager has lots of faith on me and yes I was able to keep his faith on me.During this Friday morning till Monday night we have seen lots of thing, which was also very new thing for me.

I was shouting on one of my developer saying "If you work smarter may be I don't have to see this day". Suddenly another developer come to me and started arguing me. He was trying to make me understand that whatever happen to this development, they are not responsible. Anyways I can understand their frustration as they were feeling that they are help-less and no-body is there to help them before I landed.

My question: is it the Case? We have a big team. Where were other people of my team? I know few guys who can crack any issue. Where was the Problem?Did they asked anybody in team? (Don't confuse I'm not blaming anybody, this all question arises in my mind)

Anyways I didn't argue with developer and I calmed myself. I thought my dear Friend did you get chance to think about myself? What going on my mind. A people who is fully tired physically and mentally (very much depressed, There was 6 hrs gap in connecting flight and you can easily understand how will you feel after sitting for 6 hrs on chair.)

As I'm leader for them so I have to play role and honestly speaking I have stamina also to work for four/five consecutive day. I can work without eating anything but can't work continuously without bath. I used to go to one of my colleague place for bath (Very near to office).

In mid my room-mate called me and asked: "Boss where you are? As we are aware you are in Kolkata but at least meet once to us. Your daddy is searching you and you are not picking anybody phone also". (For information I used stay with two room mate They are very nice and caring.).

I replied, "Boss I don't know. This all things are "Moah maya" and I don't want to be like ordinary people. "Mai insab se upar jana chahta hoon (I want to go beyond this emotional bond), I came in this world alone and will go alone. Please don't wait for me and convey same thing to Daddy also".

I don't know what happen to me. Reply seems funny to you guys but I want to be like that. A person who doesn’t have emotional bond. A person who will not care whether his statement hurting somebody or not. A person who has freedom to do what he want to do (funny thing is that I'm emotional person!!!).Let sees how life goes.

Third worst thing happen in this was again personal, which I can write here. As you can understand what a great scheduled I had those days, after completing one of issue I went to sleep on of my colleague place (Near to office) around 9 a.m. morning. My dad called me several time but I didn't pickup ( Those days I was not picking up anybody calls except from office).He called my room mate and asked him that whether they are able to meet me. They replied no , we didn't.

Dad thought that he will come to my office to meet me. But he didn't come as one of my friend suggested that you will not able to find him (ME) as you don't know in which office and where is he?

I think this was very wise suggestion from my friend.My dad again called me up at that time I was in office and was very tired (as I went fro sleep around 9:15 and wake up 11 and come back to office till 12). This time I thought let us pickup the phone as now it two week I landed in India but never talk to Dad.He started shouting on me. I was silent and I never used to argue with him. He is saying something but nothing comes in my mind, I was just listening.

In mean he say hello, hello...are you listing? My replied was in thee word 'YES'. He got frustrated and he told "don't call me and you don't have to come home". I have taken this one also very easily and say "YES I WILL NOT".

After that he drops the call. No regret in my mind, it hurts him a lot but what can I do as I started travelling in a path where there was no place for any body. It seems psycho. But that time it was my mind status.Now developments are completed but next thing, that was night shift started and in this year I never get time to go at least my home where I used to stay from last 3 years.

I used to go home only on Sunday night. Now if you asked me why, honestly I don't want to go to the place where I used to stay. It has lots of memory which forced me to not enter in that room. One of my roommates also now is in USA, so no fun in room because another guy is very serious. So God has already started taking care of my Friends: P. Means they are also moving and that making me stronger to follow the path.

I'm flying Brazil again on 22nd may so it’s clear that I don't have to go to my room at least till I return from Brazil.

One thing I want to make it clear that nobody forced me to work like this but there was nothing interesting than work in my life to cope with this kind of situation. I’ll never forget few people who help me a lot to come out with mental depression and of course my dedication towards work.

Now life is very simple wake-up come to office stay till morning again go for sleep. Now enjoying helping other’s ( Earlier I used to busy in my own life, even I didn't get time to talk with my friends) in their all kind of problems. It’s really a great pleasure to help others without expectation. Please try to do so if you can. You will feel very happy. When ever now a day I used to do something and it turns right way I feel very happy that I did something in my life.

And one thing I understand that people who managed their personal and Professional life very well, they have great managing skill. It turns very hard for me and I failed completely.

Please don't mind if this blog hurts somebody indirectly/directly.